Monday, February 06, 2006

Knight's Move Thinking

One of the nice things about nights is you have the time to chat to your patients. Take for example this bemusing exchange that I just had with a man who looked not unlike a cross between dungeon master and a malevolent Paul Danniels.

"Hello, Sir. How are you doing?"
"I piss myself every 10 minutes with fear but you know that already, don't you"
"I'm sorry - what was that?"
"Oh yeah, that's right - going to pretend you don't now know, are you?"
"Know what, Sir?
"That they're threatening me, just like you are now."
"Who's threatening you?"
"The man who wasn't there just then"
"Wasn't where? Why do you think I'm threatening you? We're just chatting."
"I don't know why you're like that. You're all like that. I'll draw attention to the earlier incident if they try to bill me"
"Bill you? What for? What earlier incident?"
"He wasn't happy when he found that that they'd got my glasses in their locker but none of them was billed for it!"
"I think you're a bit confused, Sir - do you know where you are?"
"Yes, Tibet. I'm in Tibet every Thursday"
"Yes...or Surrey."
"Right. Maybe you should get some sleep."
"I would if that man that wasn't there just now would stop trying to scare me to death. I know what you're about in here. But then so do you. You know everything that's gone on. I shouldn't be surprised if you're behind it all."
"I'm a doctor. We look after sick patients here. This is a ward full of sick patients, like yourself."
"Well I supposed that's what you tell people on the outside. Luckily I notified my lawyer and if anything happens to me, he knows to take it all the way to the top."

At this point I'd had my fill of this lunacy and ordered that lashing and lashings of haloperidol - that great soother of agitated minds - should be injected deep into his left buttock.

The End.


Blogger Katy Newton said...

It sounds as if the poor bloke needed a rest from himself.

1:16 am  
Blogger Dr Dork said...

Poor fellow.

2:31 pm  
Blogger The Venial Sinner said...

Indeed. I must admit to trying unsuccessfully to suppress a snigger when he said he was in Tibet every Thursday. How random.

7:26 am  
Blogger Dr Dork said...

It can be difficult.

Back when I was training as a psychiatrist (I now practice in a different area) the nurses nicknamed me "the accountant", as they reckoned me the best doc at "keeping a straight face" matter how bizarre the patients dialogue.

The trick ? Bite the buccal mucosa, if all else fails ;-)

3:31 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, this guy sounds nuts but you sound intolerant and not too bright yourself.

It boggles my mind why people go into psychiatry and psychology KNOWING that they are going to encounter disturbed people who can't think straight or speak coherently, and then get ANGRY at the patient for not doing what the patient cannot do!

seems illogical to me. if you can't tolerate this kinda bizarre conversation, why'd you pick this field?

in most fields, I think it is assumed that people kind of, you know, can at least tolerate the work and the people they will mental health things are different.

since there is no point interrogating the poor guy as you did, why not just say, hmm, or remain silent and let him ramble?

more than likely, he could not do any better than what he is doing.

I hope karma doesn't bite you in the ass someday. that would be, suppose you get a stigma-laden and poorly understood major disease which confines you to bed and then the doctors who treat you express this kind of contempt that you can't get out of bed - they want you running marathons!


3:58 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the person above, when did you practice the 1890s?
Fantastic answer more drugs. Seriously, why bother going into psychiatry? Maybe the morgue would have been a better place for your bedside manner.

2:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly, I initially thought this exchange was a satire, since you handled this exchange so poorly, as if you were someone who was never even introduced to the concept of poor mental health

12:18 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think even the city morgue could stand this. Perhaps stay at home parent?

1:24 am  

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