Anyway, on surveying my wardrobe, I realised that most of the rags dangling therein would not be out of place in one of those Victoria and Albert museum past fashions exhibitions. These were not the trendy threads that I imagined myself swanning about the Big Apple in. There was nothing to be done about it: I would simply have to go shopping!
And God do I hate shopping! I know, I know: I'm gay; I'm not supposed to be able to go more than two days without needing to spend £500 on the latest Dolce & Gabbana must-have, but it's just too stressful! You walk through the shop door and within seconds the first of the 'ever-so-helpful' shop assistants sweep down upon you to ask if you need any help. With what precisely might I need help? Looking at things? I can manage that just fine, thanks! Finding things I like? How the fuck are they going to know what I like! I end up being chased round the store by these intrusive busybodies until I eventually can't take any more and am harried out of the door.
If I actually manage to find anything I like I have to go through the torture out trying it on. That's if anything vaguely approximating my size is on the rack, rather than the XXL tents or XXS corsets that only ever seem to be left by the time I get there. Skulking into the funfair hall of mirrors that is the changing room, you find it has been lit in the most unflattering manner possible so that even if you were wearing a bespoke £10,000 garment by Versace (rather than the badly-made £10 Topman T-shirt you actually have in your hand), you'd still look like a sack of shit. You look around nervously, hoping that no stray Japanese whaling ships might be passing through and try to harpoon you by mistake. And I'm sure the only point of the person at the entrance to the changing room is to make you feel even worse when you have to hand them back because they don't fit. You can almost hear them whisper under their breath, "Well, did you really think you were going to fit into that, fatso?!"
Anyway, despite it all, I did actually manage to pick up a few new threads though, as soon as I got back from the shops, I had to run to the gym and it's only now two days later that I've actually been able to bring myself eat.